Stop Trying to Get Her Back — Start Getting You Back

By Scott Austin Martin

Every week, I sit with men who want to “get her back.”
Their marriage hit the wall.
Words were said. Trust was broken.
She’s pulled away. Or maybe she’s just gone.

They come to me asking for strategies:
“What should I say?”
“Should I write her a letter?”
“Do I chase or give space?”

But here’s the truth they don’t want to hear — the one that cuts through all the anxious performing:

It’s not about saying the right thing.
It’s about broadcasting the right energy.

Because she’s not waiting for words.
She’s waiting for her nervous system to feel safe again.

What Trauma Really Is

Trauma isn’t just what happened.
It’s what happened inside of us because of what happened.

And in relationships, trauma isn’t just about betrayals, abandonment, or fights — it’s about the way energy shifts when trust is broken.

She doesn’t trust your promises because they aren’t rooted.
She doesn’t believe your tears because they aren’t integrated.
She doesn’t feel your commitment because it still feels conditional.

And until your nervous system shifts, she can’t relax into the possibility of us — because she doesn’t yet trust that you are stable.

Stop Trying to Get Her Back

This is the turning point:
Stop trying to get her back.
Go get yourself back.

That doesn’t mean you stop caring.
It means you stop collapsing your sense of self around her attention.

Because what she needs isn’t another promise.
She needs to feel the weight of your presence.

So what does it mean to get yourself back?

It means engaging — fully — in the internal somatic work that heals the wounds you’ve been outsourcing to your relationship.
It means meeting the unmet parts of you that lash out, perform, or disappear when love feels out of reach.

The Needy Little Boy Syndrome

You see, most men operate from what I call the Needy Little Boy Syndrome.

They either:

• Perform the version of themselves they think she wants (over-masculine: loud, controlling, anxious to fix), or

• Disappear into withdrawal, avoidance, or numbing (under-masculine: passive, depressed, disconnected).

Both are trauma defenses.
Both are built on the false belief that who you really are isn’t enough.

So you shapeshift.
You please.
You shut down.
You posture.
But what’s in short supply?
Authenticity.

What She’s Actually Waiting For

She’s not waiting for a perfect version of you.
She’s waiting for the moment your nervous system stabilizes in truth.

When your presence no longer demands something from her.
When your touch isn’t fused with apology or agenda.
When your boundaries return—not to push her away, but to hold yourself.

She’s waiting to feel your soul rooted in your body again.
That’s when safety starts to return.
That’s when healing becomes possible.
That’s when love might even find its way back—not because you chased it, but because you became someone safe to love again.

Final Word

If you’re in a relationship rupture, I know how much pain you’re in.
I’ve lived it. I’ve worked with hundreds of men who’ve stood in the same fire.

And I’ll tell you this:

The path forward isn’t to convince her.
It’s to convince yourself — through your actions, breath, and embodiment — that you are worthy of love, regardless of the outcome.

Do the work.
Feel what you’ve never wanted to feel.
Get grounded in your body.
Learn to stand again—not in dominance or collapse, but in devotion to truth.

Because when you finally stop trying to get her back,
you give her the only thing that ever mattered:

A man who finally came home to himself.

About the Author
Scott Austin Martin is a licensed therapist, men’s coach, and founder of The Authentic Masculinity Project. He helps men break free from performance-based identity and reclaim grounded presence, emotional clarity, and embodied leadership.